this year is a 1/4th of the way over?

Is it seriously almost April? What in the fresh hell is this?

This blog entry has been a long time coming, obviously. My brain has been on overdrive since January, and a lot of things in my life are about to change, though none of it has been blogged! So now time to catch up...

After this year, I've decided law and I are breaking up.

This is going to be tough to write. Some days, I feel like a failure. Does anyone really like to be labeled a quitter? And if you're anything like half of the people in my life right now, you're calling me a crazy lady behind your computer screen. This has been one of those moments in my life where I'm learning -- a little late, perhaps -- what I want to do. I know that law ISN'T it. I'll be honest, when I went to college and began deciding what I was going to do with my life, a lot of decisions were made for other people. I chose paths without a lot of thought -- no, not without thought, exactly, but without thinking about what I REALLY wanted. I'm from a family of teachers and, for as long as I can remember, everyone in my family wanted me to "BE" something. A lot of them, unfortunately, don't like teaching. I think teaching is a very valuable career, and I wouldn't be the person I am today with the passions that I have for subjects like history and literature if it weren't for some AMAZING teachers that I had. I wanted to be a a teacher (or so I thought, and I still kind of do think that now, after all this time...). Relatives wanted me to be a lawyer. (I'd say they also wanted me to be a doctor, but EVERYONE has seen me try to do math...it's not pretty. Don't even joke about science, either.)

So what DO I want to do? That'd a damn good question. There are a lot of things I WANT to do, or think I would have been good at. And there are a lot of things that aren't feasible alternatives (financially, degree-wise, etc.). I'm doing well in law school, so maybe I AM the craziest lady in the world right now to throw away an opportunity to be a lawyer, not to add a big chunk of change in student loans. But for almost a year now -- and after countless numbers of conversations with lawyers, older students, career counselors, family members, friends, and my boyfriend about what decision to make -- I have felt nothing but STIFLED. Have you ever felt stuck? Completely, hopelessly stifled, stuck in a decision you've made that you wish more than anything was a path you hadn't chosen for yourself? There are a lot of logical arguments others have raised to me, and I've probably written out more pros and cons lists than you can even imagine. I can't sit here and tell you that I have a set-in-stone Plan B. But I do have passions that I want to follow, things I never gave myself the chance to consider because it wasn't what someone else wanted for me, or thought was best for me.

The first year of law school is absolutely the hardest. If you're reading this and considering going to law school, know that up front. It will take all of your time. You should go into it deciding you don't have friends or a social life, because you will WANT to study a LOT to keep up. But that should never deter you from following your dream of becoming a lawyer (or just receiving that J.D.), and it's not solely the stress level or the studying that is keeping me from becoming a lawyer. It's because that's not my dream. My only regret is not making this decision a long time ago. I'm surrounded by some amazing people in law school. The ones that amaze me the MOST are the ones who somehow retain nice social lives, have a job, AND do well in school. Those people are superheroes, and obviously it's possible to achieve for many.

Absolutely, the studying and the stress have been rough for me. But I can say with certainty that it's not just the work that's scaring me away. I'm not failing out. I'm doing respectably well and have learned a ton. What is scaring me away, if you want to call it that, is how ever present in my mind it is that law is not what I want my life to be. The reality of working in this field was almost suffocating for me because I felt creatively stifled and was having frequent, all-over-body-consuming doubts that I had chosen the right way for myself. For months and months, I haven't been able to find joy in the things that used to make me happy. I was a miserable wreck, and I'm absolutely shocked I somehow managed to keep my friends and boyfriend near me. ;) The more decisions I made that put me on the path to becoming a lawyer -- through internships, working alongside other lawyers, and pouring my heart and soul into legal memos and briefs -- the more depressed I became.

For me, a career as a lawyer would be just a paycheck. I need more than that for myself. It's never too late to start over!

If you're thinking about going to law school, or are even a 1L yourself right now, please feel free to send any questions or concerns my way! I would love to talk to you about my experience as a law student (whether you want to know the good or the bad), as well as what you can expect. Law may not be for me right now, but I can still tell you all about what to expect and the different areas of law.

And I promise, though law isn't for everyone, don't let anyone keep you from going down that road if you really want to become a lawyer. My one piece of advice is this: if you're thinking of going to law school just because you don't know what else you want to do (or maybe even it's you just don't know yet what you would be good at), OR because you want a big, fat paycheck in life - think really, really hard about your decision. Be very honest with yourself and look at the reasons you're choosing to go to law school. Though you certainly don't have to have some huge calling to attend law school and succeed - I didn't, and I'm making Bs.

I didn't think about why I was going to law school. I just went. Thousands of dollars later, I finally was honest with myself and am making a different decision.

So there you have it. My thoughts from the last several months in a nutshell. Making this decision has been horrifying and stressful, but also a giant relief.

SO TELL ME - Whether it was choosing to leave law school, drop pre-med, WHATEVER: have you ever had to make a tough decision for yourself when you felt like it was too late? I'd love to hear from you. :)

Hugs and kisses,
The Crazy Lady Who May Very-Well Have No Idea What She's Doing